I have been thinking too much. Way too much. Too much for me to digest and take in everything. That is always the case, isn’t it.. thinking too much, being too afraid, wondering too often, asking too  many questions, having too many fears. I daresay that all , of the above, is directly realated to the fear of losing. Losing someone, to be exact.

Welcome to my Personal Day of Hell. It starts off with me entering class for the very first time this semester. I got odd looks, credits to E for trying to talk to me, and trying to rope me in though. I pretended to be oblivious to the world, with my earphone plugged in and reading a book. Sat right up front, hoping that it would do the job. It kinda did. H was seemingly indifferent, I suppose. J said hi to me. If I had left it at that, it would have been fine I guess. But I had to join C, C,...

On a random note, I realise that I will not say the words I love you anymore. I will not.. Because I’m scared of saying it now. Because he doesnt say them back to me, and I don’t wanna be that fool anymore. I don’t. So I will leave it at that.. I will not say it back anymore.

In a flash, I suddenly remembered what was my dream about. I remember that I was with KS, and we were going to play pool, and the place where we were at, was empty. We were glancing down at the “lobby” and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, H comes dashing in, all wet from the rain, removing his socks and coat and whatnots, and ran up towards the stairs where we were, and he didnt realise we were there, and he.. Oh I don’t know it was all weird.. It was like he cared but ...

I had the weirdest series of dreams ever. I’m starting to think that my dreams are reflecting on what I really want inside, only I am too afraid to admit it, or I never really knew. I have been dreaming of H & T lately, It seems I miss than more than I’d like to admit. A little disconcerting. Like I dreamt that T has forgiven me, and although not as warm and trusting as before, she was still willing to accept me. And H started speaking to me again. And I can’t stop th...

Sometimes, blogging here helps me. Its helps me with looking at things in retrospect, it  helps me keep track. It helps that I don’t have to lie to anyone at all here, that this is real and this is me. The words come so easy, the feelings flow seamlessly, I don’t have to put on a front or say anything that I think others might wanna hear. I’m just here, and I’m just me. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but all those shunning and hurt and accusati...

I have a very fiery inner core. I'm more of the strong and silent type. When I'm pissed, I don't talk. I don't talk. At all. And if I'm driven and being forced to talk, it will erupt in hurtful and mean words, with biting sarcasm and dripping venom. And most of the time, I don't even mean what I say. But sometimes, there's just so much in-built anger that I just take it all in, and pretend that I'm fine, and one day, inevitably, I will snap. Yes, Yes I know that that's not right bu...

I seriously think that I should stick a huge sign saying "Stupid Moron" on my forehead. Because I really believe that I am. I am here, in the Media Hub because of reasons which I do not want to explain again, frozen half to death with a fever to boot. Oh and feeling like a great big fool. Yesterday, I missed 2 classes in the morning because I was knackered and the fever was drowning me. I almost couldnt see straight. But I got up, and I made it for ICG in the afternoon anyways, and I me...

Today, I decided to join E, S & C to practice their Photoshop skills for ICG tmr after their CTR exam today. I'm grateful, knowing that S kinda understands my predicament, and that E & C, are at least talking to me. And not in the stilted awkward manner, in the.. I don't know, I guess it would be what you call normal. So after that, I was supposed to go to ss15, meet up with N, and just hang about for awhile, catch up and talk. But she had an appointment, and I said that I'd just wait...

Your view on yourself: You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.  The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true. (this is unfortunately true. very much unfortunately.) Your readiness to commit to a relationship:...

I love Made Of Honor. I have always loved that show, and I never get sick of watching it. Partly because I love Patrick Dempsey, and I love Michelle Monaghan. and partly because the story tugs my heart. I've always loved the concept of having a guy best friend. I have always loved one. I've always wanted one, without getting involved with him. But on the other hand, I love the idea of falling in love with my best friend. I mean, if you're gonna fall in love, why not someone close ...

Last night, I dreamt about H, again. I get so bothered, when I dream about him, because I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why do I dream about him so often. Like in last night’s case, I dreamt that he talked to me, we kinda made our peace and patched things up, and we were talking again. I dreamt that he understood, and that he was there to keep his promise of being my best friend, no matter what happens . You know, when he actually said those words, I believed him...

I had in a way, a normal day. I learnt alot today, and it's like I've just been dunked in a tub of ice cold water. Today, I had kinda like a heart-to-heart thing with Ms Natasha. She's Malaysian, but was in US for quite awhile so she has like an accent and she's really hip, very open minded, very understanding about my situation. She didn't treat me like a teenager who is just having a theatrical episode. She's very proactive, so she came up with alot of cool ideas, like ...

I put my fingers on my the upper part of my left breast. I could feel my heart pulsating. Steady, but at the same time, almost as if it’s going to beat out of my chest. Is it normal that my chest feels so tight ? Or is it my bra ? I’m not sure. What I know is, that I am struggling to breathe now.Is it just my breathing ? Or is it something more.. is it heartache ? I want to sedate myself and just go to sleep.

My life, has been nothing short of a Korean drama serial. And not in the good way either. It's not in the good way where I find the guy I love (cringe) and everything is okay. I am currently filled with pent up frustration up till HERE. And I have 25 more days to pull through. Just how the hell am I supposed to do that ? I'm being overly reliable on my pills again.. and this is not good at all.