Today, I decided to join E, S & C to practice their Photoshop skills for ICG tmr after their CTR exam today. I'm grateful, knowing that S kinda understands my predicament, and that E & C, are at least talking to me. And not in the stilted awkward manner, in the.. I don't know, I guess it would be what you call normal.

So after that, I was supposed to go to ss15, meet up with N, and just hang about for awhile, catch up and talk. But she had an appointment, and I said that I'd just wait for her until she was done. So I brought my books along, sat down in Starbucks, and read. It was unusually quiet, the place would usually be jam packed with students. But it was quiet, and my mind kept wandering from the book.

Firstly, I missed D. She's so far away now, and it was odd, not seeing her there. Because I'd always like, see her around and do a little catch up kinda thing. and being there, with the place so quiet and everything, it was very lonely, and sad. I miss her, more than I realise I would. I'm just really, really happy that she's happy and settled down in Tas now, & I'm glad she & Y are doing great. For a LDR, they seem fine, I guess. I can only hope it stays that way. I would never, never want anyone to go through what I did, no one deserves to go through that shit.

And then, my mind wandered, again, to H. It's always H H H H H, and it is deathly annoying. God I dont even understand why he haunts my subconscious so much. I am already minimizing friction as much as I can, I mean, I don't even look at him anymore, at all. How could I, looking at him would be just asking for more stabs, and frankly, I ould do without them right now. WHY does it hurt so much to be around him, to see him, say his name and hear his name ? I don't get it, I really don't. I mean, he was just a best friend, wasn't he ? Just a best friend. Whom I can't stop replaying in my head, times I spent with. And yes, there was that little thing going on for awhile, but I'm pretty sure it ended, so WHY AM I STILL LIKE THIS. I feel like an immature teenager whining about why does my life suck bla bla bla, but I'm not.

I don't understand why he acts like he is the one and only victim, we were in it together, the friendship involved TWO PEOPLE. And yes, I was a stupid airhead, trying to fit in. I lied, and I lost his trust, and I didnt realise the consequences of what I was doing. Now I do, and now I have learnt. I have. They say you learn through experiences, and believe me, I have learnt enough to compensate for each and every one of them. And he is hurt, because he trusted  me, and I understand. But the way he reacted, and the things he said to me, with that look in his eyes.. yeah, sure that didnt hurt me, you know, it just glanced off my skin. Because I was a liar, so um, yeah I don't really have much feelings. So no, you didn't hurt me.

I wish.

And I only wish I could take our my brain, and pour bleach on the part where I met him.
Then maybe my heart wouldnt like, virtually bleed everytime I see him, hear him or think of him.