Sometimes, blogging here helps me.

Its helps me with looking at things in retrospect, it  helps me keep track. It helps that I don’t have to lie to anyone at all here, that this is real and this is me. The words come so easy, the feelings flow seamlessly, I don’t have to put on a front or say anything that I think others might wanna hear. I’m just here, and I’m just me.

I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but all those shunning and hurt and accusations and second guessing by the rest, hurt me so tremendously much. It may be my fault for letting them get to me, but I think they meant more to me than I’d like them to. & that, just.. kinda sucks, either way.

So I’m here now, hurt and bruised, with my only saving grace that is him ( I hope and pray hard to god that he doesn’t just drop me like them), and I’m.. actually missing them. I miss each and every single one of them, H, I, S, S, & J particularly. H caused the most damage, I think that’s what he does to everyone he comes into contact with that way. I see all the videos, I see all the phots, and he’s smiling, and he’s laughing, and I find him popping up in my mind almost everyday at the most random times, and it’s disconcerting. And I miss him, and what we used to do, all the silly ass laughing times. I do. I wonder if at random times, he does too.

I miss I because he would always make me smile and laugh myself silly by the stupidest things he’d say. And trust me, he does sayy the stupidest things ever. I miss J because he’s easily the most diplomatic one aside from female S, and he’s somewhat on the same wavelength as me. Also, he’s currently the only one talking to me, so… I miss Putrajaya drives and random McD stops, and heart to heart talks with him.

I missed male S because I thought he never really left me, that despite everything he was still a good friend, an unfailing one. And I thought that amongst them all, he is the most univolved one, so he wouldnt pass any judgement, but I thought wrong. He has taken obvious sides, dumped female S because “she has changed” and has now latched onto Library Girl. All in one quick sweeping motion. I thought he has changed, I thought wrong.. He is exactly the kinda jock I hated, and I would go all out to ignore. It goes all around.

I just feel alot for female S now, because of what she’s going through. I know only too clearly, what she is going through, and I am trying to reach out for her, and just be a listener,but I can only do that if she allows me to. I can only try.

I miss each and every one of them so much. But I don’t think it’ll help at all, it will only serve them to hate me more. So why should I do anything about it….