I put my fingers on my the upper part of my left breast. I could feel my heart pulsating. Steady, but at the same time, almost as if it’s going to beat out of my chest. Is it normal that my chest feels so tight ? Or is it my bra ? I’m not sure. What I know is, that I am struggling to breathe now.Is it just my breathing ? Or is it something more.. is it heartache ? I want to sedate myself and just go to sleep.

On a random note, I realise that I will not say the words I love you anymore. I will not.. Because I’m scared of saying it now. Because he doesnt say them back to me, and I don’t wanna be that fool anymore. I don’t. So I will leave it at that.. I will not say it back anymore.

In a flash, I suddenly remembered what was my dream about. I remember that I was with KS, and we were going to play pool, and the place where we were at, was empty. We were glancing down at the “lobby” and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, H comes dashing in, all wet from the rain, removing his socks and coat and whatnots, and ran up towards the stairs where we were, and he didnt realise we were there, and he.. Oh I don’t know it was all weird.. It was like he cared but ...

I had the weirdest series of dreams ever. I’m starting to think that my dreams are reflecting on what I really want inside, only I am too afraid to admit it, or I never really knew. I have been dreaming of H & T lately, It seems I miss than more than I’d like to admit. A little disconcerting. Like I dreamt that T has forgiven me, and although not as warm and trusting as before, she was still willing to accept me. And H started speaking to me again. And I can’t stop th...

Sometimes, blogging here helps me. Its helps me with looking at things in retrospect, it  helps me keep track. It helps that I don’t have to lie to anyone at all here, that this is real and this is me. The words come so easy, the feelings flow seamlessly, I don’t have to put on a front or say anything that I think others might wanna hear. I’m just here, and I’m just me. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but all those shunning and hurt and accusati...

Welcome to my Personal Day of Hell. It starts off with me entering class for the very first time this semester. I got odd looks, credits to E for trying to talk to me, and trying to rope me in though. I pretended to be oblivious to the world, with my earphone plugged in and reading a book. Sat right up front, hoping that it would do the job. It kinda did. H was seemingly indifferent, I suppose. J said hi to me. If I had left it at that, it would have been fine I guess. But I had to join C, C,...

I have been thinking too much. Way too much. Too much for me to digest and take in everything. That is always the case, isn’t it.. thinking too much, being too afraid, wondering too often, asking too  many questions, having too many fears. I daresay that all , of the above, is directly realated to the fear of losing. Losing someone, to be exact.