I am nineteen this year.
I have only been in love once.
I came close to falling in love the 2nd time, but lucky for me, I was hurt before it happened.
I am nineteen.
And I have already forgotten how it feels like to like someone and to be liked back.
I have forgotten how does it feel to have a crush, to giggle and blush everytime he comes near.
I have forgotten how it feels like to have your friends nudge you everytime he's in the area.
I have forgotten how it feels like to obsess over someone and smile everynight before you go to sleep.
I have forgotten how it feels like to worry and wonder if he likes you back.
I am nineteen.
I shouldn't have to worry about not being able to feel like that again.
I shouldn't have to worry about anything, but my studies and if I can get that dress in my size.
I am only but nineteen.
Let me be nineteen...
*
I trudged back into my room and locked the door.
The lights were left on, but my room mate was asleep already.
The past two nights, spent churning out assignments and skipping proper meals and avoiding sleep completely.
Word after word, idea after idea. It worries me when I get good results, because studying has become a form of escapism for me as well.
I work myself to the bone to escape reality. I have become startlingly good at it.
I force myself to go to lectures and face people I don't want to see. Pretension is required; they don't exist.
Sometimes, over the top laughter is needed as well. Being seen as a moping girl with a still bleeding heart just doesn't cut it sometimes.
I unzipped my gladiators, changed into an oversized shirt, check my mail and felt my eyes protesting.
Something is missing. Something desperately important in my life, is missing.
Why is it so hard to locate that missing yet much needed part ? How is it that this gaping emptiness just never fills up ?
Until I find something to patch this in me, walking around like the living dead is pretty much the daily routine.
Only plastered on smiles are mandatory at times.
My writing has become decapitated now. Nothing fits into place anymore.
I need this.