I am now on my new laptopp, so I can finally log into my private domain.

It’s been awhile, and I needed to do this, I needed to type, I needed to acknowledge this carved emptiness inside me. No matter what I do, I seem to never be able to escape this. This unseen nightmare, which haunts me relentlessly and I have a bad feeling that it will just bog me down someday.

I’ve been back here, for about a week now, and returning to KL to continue the semester in about two days. Two days, and then I resume to mind-numbingly emotionally painful days. When I’m there, with no real support system and someone to rely on, I am forced to have this strong facade where it seems like I am completely alright when that couldnt have been further away from the truth. I end up trudging through the days, pinned down with so many uncertainties that instead of trying to lift things away, I wait for myself to snap.

Being home has been alright, mindless days spent paying my sleep debt. Completely satisfying. And I find that when I’m back home, those ghosts that haunt my mind and heart when I’m in KL dont pester me as much. It’s as if that are unable to reach me. I find it wryly amusing, but whatever that helps me, I’ll take it.

So currently, I don’t feel anything. No happiness, no aching loss, no pain, no devastation, no confusion, no love. Just a whole cloud of uncertainty on what do I next ? Which step do I take next ? How do I start on these assignments ? What are my future assignments going to be like ? Will I have time to complete them in just one month ? Will I fail my semester ?

I better not. It will throw me completely over if I do.

I’d better not.