After having gotten off a very long phone call with my mom, I've realised something.
I have intimacy issues. And there isn't even a hint of smile on my face as I'm typing this.
I really think I do. Like, I get very uncomfortable when I get into physical contact with people.
Even the ones I'm close to, even my family, especially my family. I withdraw.
I just feel extremely uncomfortable that there is contact, and I would try to keep away to maintain my own space.
At first, I thought that I was only comfortable with having physical contact with whomever I'd be with, but then I also grew to realise that even then, I'd have issues with it, I wouldn't be able to deal with it, I wouldn't be able to let myself be held or hold him. Or on the very rare occasion that I do, he'd pull away, and that rejection would be the reason to not have anything to do with him ever again.
I don't know if this is something I should have looked into, to be scrutinized.
I'm not comfortable with being dissected and analysed.
And I dont think I'd like what I see or find out.