After having gone through so much, I suddenly feel this dawning realization creep up upon me.
I guess after every personal crisis I go through, I would think that that is the worst already, but it really isn't.
There are so many more obstacles and delusions that fate and life are more than happy to hand me.
Everytime something happens to me, I'd raise my hands in defeat and claim that there isn't anything else I can handle. Yet when life flings another curveball along my way, I get caught off guard, and I surrender, once again. I guess it's safer to assume that things will only get worse, so that it's easier to prepare myself for it. I know that if I truly wanted to heal from this, from everything, I probably could. I probably could be optimistic (PROBABLY) and be able to deal with the insane amount of heartache, losses, pain and grieving. But that's just citing a maybe.
But maybe, deep down inside, I'm hoping for a miracle.
Maybe, deep down inside, I'm hoping for someone to come and tell me and show me that all this, is just a nightmare. One that I will snap out of, and when I wake up, I'll be happy, still in love, and still be loved. But I guess it's high time I burst my own bubble. There isn't a happy ending, and there isn't the existence of The One. I don't believe that such a person exists, just like how I don't believe in marriages. I think it's a farce. A big commercialised farce.
I'm jaded. I can accept that fact, though I'd like to think about it more of being cautious, but jaded suits me fine.
And yes, I have come to terms with the fact that I do have a lot of pent up anger, angst and hurt, which in turn causes me to retaliate and radiate that kind of aura, which might cause others to stay away from me. But.. maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that, this, is just how I deal with things, and get over myself.
If I can do it, I think I'll be pretty alright.
For now, I'll be turning back to where and how I discovered myself; through writing.
I think I'm ready to take on the dancing of fingers over the keyboard once more.