Published on March 15, 2009 By whatshesaid In Life

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I have a very fiery inner core.
I'm more of the strong and silent type. When I'm pissed, I don't talk. I don't talk. At all.
And if I'm driven and being forced to talk, it will erupt in hurtful and mean words, with biting sarcasm and dripping venom.
And most of the time, I don't even mean what I say.

But sometimes, there's just so much in-built anger that I just take it all in, and pretend that I'm fine, and one day, inevitably, I will snap. Yes, Yes I know that that's not right but that's how it is for me. I have so much angst it overrides all the little scared bubbles of happiness, afraid to float up because the anger will just burst them all to damnation. Sometimes, I don't know how to deal with my anger. The screaming into pillow only works for awhile, then the numbness creeps in. I don't box walls either, I dont box anything for that matter.

I play pool.

When I'm pissed, the best part about playing pool is when I break the pyramid. That loud cracking sound calms me down a little. When I'm pissed, I shoot so hard that the sometimes the balls bounce out of the table. Onlookers are smart enough not to inquire. And after that, with every balls I aim for and shoot, if it gets in, I feel better. But more often than not, because I'm blinded by anger, the balls will be struck my brute force, not so much of angles and aims. So the balls don't go in. But I find that it helps anyway. I'm not saying that I'm any good at it, in fact, I suck quite badly, but I just like the game.  And usually, by the end of one game, I'm humane again.

I write.

I write and pour everything into words. Typing is fine, but I find that writing everything down, penned down in black and white with my own words and handwriting, is much more therapeutic. Maybe because writing takes a longer time, and it requires more effort, so during the duration when I'm writing, I give myself time to calm down and rationalise. And when I'm done, I usually find myself calmer, and some of the tension ebbs away, leaving sleep as a possible option for me that night. So writing works for me.

But you know what else works for me ?

Someone holding me tightly, until the anger ebbs away.

No words, nothing, just someone holding me tightly until it slips away.

And guess what.

It works way faster than the first two options.


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